The Tragedy of “House Bling”

Ever wonder exactly led to the housing bubble? It wasn’t just house and land value appreciation.

Today’s homebuyer is like a raven—distracted by shiny things.

All the granite counters, the stainless steel appliances, the spa-like bathrooms, and the magazine-cover landscaping are hiding horrendous energy sins, both personal and literal.

Practicality, like the raven, has flown out the window shouting, “Nevermore!”

The tragedy of house bling is the energy it takes to keep up appearances—all the cleaning, specials cleaners, special use precautions (usually in the form of “don’t do…”), ease of replacement (or lack thereof), and the monthly bills that come along with their use. All the shiny glitz has beckoned us to overbuy for our needs.

Even washers and dryers get into the mix with an unspoken insistence on matching—again, for looks, not energy efficiency, in spite of them being banished to a publicly- unseen location. In fact, whole kitchens have fallen for this “matching” concept while turning a blind eye to energy efficiency—matching manufacturers, matching styles, and matching handle finishes—in spite of them being positioned throughout the kitchen (meaning NOT in close proximity for visual comparison).

Will someone tell me why we need granite countertops in the bathroom? How about multiple shower heads? And those heated, self-lowering toilet seats—are the seat wars so hot that we now need plug-in toilets to defend ourselves? This, of course, goes directly against the electricity-and-water-not-mixing law of common sense.

Doesn’t anybody realize the insanity that went along with appreciating home and land values? It’s not the home or land itself that drove up prices—it’s the bling inside. From a resale standpoint, you spend money to make money, and it’s a losing proposition unless you’re in a high-end market.

Sure it looks nice, and sure, you’re shelling out for it all in home price, but is it REALLY worth it? Think about all the extra cleaning and maintenance you have to perform each day just to keep up appearances—if you have small children, this could mean hundreds of stainless steel wipe-downs each day with who-knows-how-toxic cleaners. And does anybody know how much MORE water you use in the shower when multiple heads are involved? I’m sure that lovely landscaping sucks up more water and electricity than you care to think about, especially the lighting. Speaking of lighting, don’t get me started on those cleverly-arranged pot lights and halogen sconces that nobody uses after the guests are gone.

Even granite counters need occasional sealing, and some “don’t do’s” come with those too. Same for tile and marble kitchen floors—unless they’re factory-sealed, they are porous and will absorb all kinds of stains.

Speaking of floors, hardwood is NOT impervious to water—not even laminate flooring, as I can personally attest to with a toilet water inlet hose gone bad. It happened overnight, and I awoke to my entire ground floor flooded about 2”, and my inherited Pergo® ruined. Imagine what an errant puppy or tippy toddler can do to it while your attention’s elsewhere, or aren’t even aware of the transgression until days later? Shudder to think what might be hiding under the huge rug in the living room—many more puppy transgressions from days gone past, and stained, warped flooring to go with it.

There must be some measure of sanity and practicality restored to home markets—at least for the average Joe with no house staff to polish the bling all day and keep little Joe away from it.

The REAL tragedy of house bling is that even after some homes get blinged up, they sit on the market for eons, only to become rental fodder. Would you spend that kind of money on a house that might very well wind up an expensive rental? Can you picture what bad tenants could do to destroy such a home? Could you afford to replace any of it should tenant destruction occur? The wrong bling at the wrong house at the wrong time could price you right out of your own market!

Even if the home is NOT up for sale, the price of owning and running it may drive the owners to sell. Candace Olsen of Divine Design never sticks around long enough to see the bill from her pot light-and-halogen-sconce handiwork, and the city could care less about your electric bills as they assess your home’s value for property taxes—from the outside.

Just think—in another 10 years or so, the “new” renovating trend will be something else, and all those perfectly good granite countertops and stainless steel appliances will be ripped out and discarded for another round of trend accommodation. Where else can we possibly go from here—asteroid countertops and animal-skin appliances?

I just hope it’s a round of sane, energy-efficient house bling—perhaps a “dumpster diver” look made up of used stuff and what we already have lying around in the garage and shed. By then, we may be shopping for a “minimalist” house instead of a McBling Villa, because we will be more aware of our effect on the environment.

I’m picturing homeless people pushing shopping carts with dumpster-dived granite as we speak.