Profits from Three Little Letters: "Green" Careers

From CNN Money and the bottom of the absurdity well.

Remember when three little letters used to mean something, like Ph.D.? Now the “profitable three” are E, C, and O, and are used as a smart new prefix for rather mundane occupations and materials.

The career world is taking a turn with those letters by adding them to ordinary jobs: eco-banker, eco-broker, eco-lawyer, eco-consultant, eco-planner, and so on.

It was bad enough that the three letters took over ordinary products, like baby food, household cleaners, laundry supplies, and toiletries. Now we have a whole new class of jobs to negotiate for, educate for, and to battle society over for widespread acceptance.

I, for one, am not falling for it. Eco-ANYTHING requires a higher set of substantive standards to be acceptable to me—the eco-broker, for example, is a lot like All Tempa-Cheer. This soap says it will work in all temperatures of water, as will ANY laundry soap, but this one is billed as being special. Eco-brokers are also billed as someone special, but an eco-broker can help you buy or sell a house or a stock just as well as an ordinary one. The moniker “eco” is meant to delineate a higher cause (to the planet rather than the people), but it actually delineates a scam to me.

To become an eco-ANYTHING, there is no separate set of rules, no regulations, certification or licensing requirements, or tests to pass, because none have been invented yet. To hire an eco-person to perform your mundane tasks with this so-called “higher ethic” is to pay extra for the services, products, and the good feeling that goes along with it. Basically, anyone with a law degree, real estate license, house cleaning skills, investment broker license, or any other occupation that requires some sort of certification or licensing as a part of that occupational field can call him- or her-self an “eco” worker.

Imagine the redundancy of an eco-landscaper or eco-lawn care company. These might be the only fields that won’t be able to take advantage of the “green” movement, because they were there first.

Lots of money is being made over in England right now in the field of eco-planning and eco-brokering, because businesses have to figure out how they’re going to meet the mandated goals of reduced carbon emissions by a certain date. The so-called eco-planners supposedly help businesses draw up plans for more energy efficiency, reorganize production and energy usage, and make adjustments to the ways of doing business so the company is more eco-friendly and meets the stated country goals. Eco-brokers in England are people who specialize in the trading of carbon emissions credits, and a whole new market (like the commodities market) has been created to determine the value of these credits after they have been bid up or down by traders.

It’s the equivalent of buying indulgences to get into eco-heaven.

The tragedy of this seemingly well-intentioned scheme to lower carbon emissions is this: companies were ALREADY doing their best to lower emissions over there, or already were well under the artificial cap set to be met by 2040. Some activists want the cap date to be shortened to 2014, but even that wouldn’t make a difference in the outcome of this scheme-turned-scam. We know the scheme to lower emissions (whether real or imagined), but the scam that was borne from this is even MORE tragic: companies are making more money from the trading of these carbon emission credits than they are actually conducting their own business. Theoretically, a business could completely shut down on the inside; firing all its workers and turning off all machinery, and STILL be showing a profit due to carbon credit trading.

What’s worse is that there is no actual emission reduction going on—measurements taken recently have shown that emissions in England have INCREASED since the cap-and-trade policy went into effect. Companies with little to no emissions are buying the credits and selling them to big polluters, who use them as sanctioned permission to continue polluting, or even increase emissions.

Now you know why our president is so against this carbon cap-and-trade scheme for our country—because it’s all a scam. In this country, General Electric has already cornered the market on these credits, and has an army of lobbyists pushing hard for passage of the cap-and-trade laws. The reason why: profits in the face of unprofitability. G.E. has already strayed far afield of its original business in search of profits, and wants to stray even further away by making money for nothing—nothing’s actually produced, manufactured, transported, or sold, and labor isn’t necessary to perform this task. I’m surprised they don’t just sell ad space to make money the way Google does—one person with a computer is all it would take, but even that is more than they want to spend.

Let’s take a look at something a lot closer to home: the renovator. Over here, there are people who buy homes, rip out perfectly good cabinets and flooring, and replace them with so-called “green” products—cabinets made from compressed sunflower seed hulls, bamboo flooring, and so on because of WHAT IT SAYS ABOUT THEM rather than what it does for the home and for the budget. These alternative products are not cheap, and they do not add to resale value (except only in the minds of “green” home buyers), but nevertheless, perfectly good, serviceable cabinets, tile floors, countertops, and already energy-efficient appliances are being yanked out of homes in favor of so-called “green” replacements…with the ECO moniker on them, of course. The only ones profiting here are the home improvement center and eco-home broker or eco-agent.

Funny how these formerly non-eco people and places existed and functioned quite well before going green. Home improvement centers still sold stuff, and real estate agents still sold houses.

Then we have the most absurd product of all: organic baby food. Anyone who’s a mother can tell you that baby food is an unnecessary expense, and that baby can eat mashed up adult food when the first tooth erupts—even doctors will tell you that. But oh no, we don’t care enough about our children unless we feed them “green” baby food that’s eco-friendly—never mind the fact that baby can eat Mom’s organic food just as well without the expense and waste of those little jars. Just how are we saving the planet again here?

Speaking of absurdities, Pottery Barn is currently hawking a soy-based couch—do I sit on this “tofu sofa” or chop it up for a gigantic stir-fry? This has got to be eco-seating at its finest! Even with the eco-friendly hemp fabric on it, it’s still a dangerous fire trap—maybe even more so now, because “eco” doesn’t come with any fire retardant regulations attached.

Has anyone looked into the flameproofness of soy? I think not.

A whole new world and a whole new economy is being brought to you by the letters E. C, and O. Sounds like something from Sesame Street, doesn’t it? This is supposed to be our next big idea to get out of this recession and into the next economic leg up—it shows just how deep we’re in deficit as far as ideas, education, production, and integrity, let alone competitive ability.

Need a job? Need to sell your house faster? Need to create a business or industry, or just need a new couch? Just add the magic three letters in front of what you do or use now (or used to do or use), and voila! Now you can charge more, market more, pay more, and just have more, instead of dealing with the realities of here and now. Anything to keep the fantasy alive, I suppose.

Need to know more? Just visit with an eco-entrepreneur—they DO exist. One was just interviewed today on CNBC, and he’d be happy to show you how to open new worlds by adding the eco moniker and adapting “green” thinking to your current business or business ideas.

We already have eco-accountants, eco-lawyers, eco-home brokers, eco-investment brokers, eco-maids, eco-designers (both clothes and furniture), and a whole range of hidden “green” professionals that just last week were colorless. Many more will be popping up just as soon as someone figures out how to put a “green” spin on them and a guilt trip on you.

UPDATE: a couple of days after I wrote this, a new career popped up: eco-undertaker.