Don't Go Paleo!

From Health Hive Media, and full of sarcasm. You'll love it!

"One of the four basic laws of supply and demand is this, if demand goes up while supply stays constant, price goes up.

The number of people who want to buy quality organic vegetables and pasture raised meats is increasing quickly. The supply, sadly, may not be ready for this many newcomers to a “caveman” diet. This may raise the price of quality whole foods.

This is a big problem for me.

I’ve been eating Primal for years now. Yes, it has made me feel better than I ever did before. Yes, I have enough energy to do anything I want. My headaches have cleared up. My IBS is gone. My carpal tunnel is a thing of the past.

I FEEL GREAT!

But all you newcomers and fence-sitters could make my grocery bill go up. Oh sure, as demand goes up more suppliers will show up. That doesn’t help me now. I might have to pay a few extra cents for my lettuce.

I understand why you would want to go Primal. You will feel and look great. Sadly we have reached maximum membership numbers. You will simply have to deal with your arthritis, diabetes, heart disease, and even multiple sclerosis without us.

I know eating real, unprocessed foods is appealing. I can see why being allowed to eat bacon sounds like heaven. Yes, going Primal can clear up many “incurable” conditions. The thing is, it’s not January. People are only allowed to make changes to their diets in January.

The same holds true for Primal, Paleo, Caveman, or any other name you can come up with. These diets are all the same, just with a slightly different approach. They will all make you feel better. I’d say find the approach that works best for you, but I can’t afford your experimentation.

You will have to get most of your calories from soda like a good American. Soda won’t completely sustain you. I know you will need food, so I’ve made a list of things I don’t eat. Please make all your selections from it:

1. Grains- I mean are they really that bad? Gluten has been linked to a huge number of diseases and conditions. Yes, grains contain lectins and phytates which keep your body from absorbing vitamins and nutrients. But who doesn’t love disease-causing empty calories? So what if grain is heavily processed? So what if they have to add vitamins back in? At least they put them back!

Let’s not forget the carbohydrates. Carbohydrates give you tons of short-term energy. Once the energy fades your body craves more carbohydrates. Lectins actually keep you from noticing you are full. Lectins plus carb addiction is a powerful force. It’s a good thing you get to eat my share.

2. Sugars. Everyone knows that sugar is bad for you, but who cares? It’s delicious! The carbs from sugar along with those from grains are bound to give you diabetes and heart disease. But look how cheap sugar is compared to steak! You could eat a whole 25 pound bag of sugar for less money that a grass-fed ribeye! What a bargain! Heck there’s even evidence that many cancers die out if you don’t ingest glucose, but who cares?! Everyone is going to get cancer anyway right?

I know this is silly. Obviously no one is going to eat 25 pounds of sugar in one day. But you could probably feed yourself for a week on it. Three meals a day, seven days a week…that means you can eat one pound of sugar for every meal and still have some left over for snacks! Just add a multivitamin to your diet. That’s what they do with cereal!

With all the money you save you can afford your medical bills. It’s a win/win.

3. Vegetable oils – Olive oil is expensive. Even I admit you should never cook with Olive Oil as it just goes rancid. So why not buy a cheaper oil that is already rancid from processing? Rancid just means extra flavors. Rancid also means heart disease and cancer, but everything in moderation.

4. Milk – I don’t like ingesting cow pus. It’s all yours. You can eat cereal every day for breakfast. That’s got you covered on grains, sugar, and milk! A trifecta of awesome!

Lactose and casein can cause all kinds of issues too, but honestly, who can turn down a refreshing glass of cow pus?

5. Legumes – They contain many of the same substances as grain so I’m already hesitant to touch them. Then you add in the digestive distress. Obviously people shouldn’t be eating these things. Or at least, I shouldn’t. You should definitely. They are full of nutrients. You have to get them somewhere, am I right?

So there you have it. Make sure you eat tons of foods from this list. You’ll be unhealthy. But don’t worry, I will be fit as a fiddle."

May I add a few other benefits...nay, "woes"...to the list that I've experienced?

1. I now have money to throw out the window. I never had extra money to throw out the window before! In certain circles, this is called "liquid asset defenestration."

2. I now have an empty bedroom. I bought this specific house because it had an extra bedroom in it to turn into a walk-in pantry for 25- and 50-lb. sacks of grains, beans, etc. Now this room is largely going to waste, except for the village-sized non-perishables I now store in there (but they only take up one shelving unit). Now my house is too big, and I'm blowing money on heat, A/C, property tax, and part of the mortgage on a room I no longer need.

My living room is also suffering the same fate because of #5. My couch is now just a place where cat toys go under to die.

3. My kitchen is now populated with some empty cupboards. Once upon a time, I needed those cupboards for extra food storage, but it was largely PROCESSED food bought in case quantity (as dictated by frugal living standards) and storage of appliances and dishes I no longer use. Where did my cans, jars, boxes, and Ronco stuff go?

4. My utility bills aren't what they used to be--because I'm now mainly using my refrigerator/freezer, my chest freezer no longer plays a major part in my food security. I miss storing (and keeping frozen) at least 3 months' worth of meat at any one time, and now I have this 7 cubic foot white elephant I'm hesitant to get rid of. I so miss those utility bills!

5. My entertainment bill is a former shadow of what it used to be, because I now go to bed early (by former standards), and no longer watch it. Since I no longer watch it, I now find myself the pariah of the neighborhood...no more satellite dish on the roof. I imagine DISH and Direct TV hate Paleo as much as CW doctors.

6. I blame Paleo for no longer getting to ping-pong around town, fighting for a parking spot, and hunting for the best deal on the poorest-quality food. And coupons? I've been de-throned as a coupon queen. The competition that was shopping for food is gone...well, almost. Now I no longer inadvertently stock up on soon-to-expire or already-expired foods, thanks to you!

7. My retirement portfolio is now out of control thanks to so many people voting with their wallets, and choosing to eat Paleo. Now it looks as if I'll have TOO MUCH money to retire on! Whatever shall I do? :) I know--see #1.

8. Dang it! I'm shrinking--my body is leaner (*gasp*) and I'm getting more exercise through attempting to provide for myself (gardening, foraging, etc.)--this means my clothes no longer fit, and I have less weight to throw around. You're killing me, Paleo! My doctor seems to think so too, because I no longer am on the ragged edge of needing statins, BP drugs, and other pills. Paleo is depriving my doctor and Big Pharma of a living--I hope you're happy!

9. Many stray cats are also feeling the effect, and their liberties impinged, as they repeatedly come back to the food I put out for them. How DARE you redirect a carnivorous crowd, filling them with nutrients, and possibly rescuing a few diabetics in the herd, Paleo! You BASTARD!!

10. Because of this damned coconut and avocado consumption, I no longer have the desire to eat 42 times a day. This country NEEDS us to be hungry again--jobs and budgets are on the line! True patriots would eat 42 times a day, wouldn't they? Federal storm-troopers ought to be going door-to-door doing cupboard inspections to make sure we're all stocking ingredients for eating MyPlate meals--what Michelle Obama says goes (even though she's a lawyer and not a nutritionist). We MUST pay homage to farmers, Big Food, the USDA, subsidies, food additives, chemicals, and most importantly, insulin resistance...it's our DUTY as citizens.
_________________________________________________________________

Okay--I may now need surgery to remove the firmly-embedded tongue from my cheek. :)